What’s Stopping You?
The Self-Limiting Story
Many of my previous chronicles have addressed “liberation,” or a sense of freedom as a desired outcome. “Freedom is good, lack of freedom is bad” seems to be a pretty obvious axiom. At the very least, having more options is a better position to be in.
Yet something inside us holds back. For some of us it’s a loud voice, seeing potential danger in freedom. We tend to call this, “restraint” and think of chaos in negative terms; something to be controlled. This loudness ranges down to an incredibly quiet voice, fading into subconscious suggestions. Ironically, those subconscious suggestions can be very influential in our behavior. This means we can consciously advocate freedom - even be wildly rebellious - all the while doing it in a little box.
Some of you parents with teenagers may recognize this dynamic. The old joke has a typical exchange when a parent asks their teenager where they’re going. The teenager responds, “out.” The parent says, “have a good time,” and the teenager responds, “don’t tell me what to do!”
I’ve worked with adults who lived in this paradoxical prison as well, and it comes from the same place. The internal story that says, “this is who I am,” and has a self-definition of, “I am my own person, and nobody can tell me what to do.” If we go a step further, we can see where the logic breakdown happens, “whatever you say, I’ll do the opposite.” This means that the teenager (or client, or boss, etc.) is forced to do the opposite, to maintain their identity, even when it’s not in their own best interest.
Aha! This is a problem. This is where that internal story that defines us becomes the one that confines us. If we’re forced to make choices not in our own best interest - to maintain a story we created in the first place - the story has become our prison.
The “oppositional defiance” is obvious, and somewhat of an exaggeration of how this shows up every day, but the power of those internal stories is staggering. It ranges from self limiting language to self limiting life. This prison of self-definition is what holds us back from achieving our potential. How many times have you heard “think outside the box?” When it comes to your personal development and becoming the best you, your internal, self-defining story is the box.
If my self-defining story is that I’m an artist, and artists always live on the fringe and suffer, haven’t I sentenced myself to that life? If my story is that I’m successful, and that success shows in my lifestyle and acquisitions, aren’t I now trapped in maintaining that image? If my story is that that I’m too smart to trust anyone, aren’t I locked into a life of distrust and disconnection? If my story is that I have to move fast, doesn’t that prohibit taking the time to really listen to people? If my story is that I can’t expose myself by verbalizing my needs, aren’t I ensuring that those needs go unmet? All of these stories block us from having more choices; having choices that could enrich our lives, rather than burning energy just to maintain the stories.
Who You Are is Smaller than What You Are
When we focus on our Identity, especially in defining stories, our consciousness is in cramped quarters. The narrative is about pinpointing who we are, bringing it all in and down to a central, singular place. All the energy is pulling inward. This is the opposite of expanding, blossoming, developing, or any natural process associated with growth. Defining parameters is appropriate to project management, but not in organic processes like personal development.
Organic processes grow outward from a seed (of some sort) rather than from the box, inward. Our self-defining stories are the boxes that prevent us from growing beyond them. This is where we fight our own liberation, without realizing we’re doing it. On the other hand, this is also where we can reclaim liberation when we become aware of what we’re doing.
What if you shifted the question for yourself? What if rather than “who am I?” the question was “what am I?” “Who am I?” is a finished question aiming for that pinpoint definition. “What am I?” can grow and expand organically. What am I made of? What am I capable of? What am I here for? This would open the door to a different way of defining yourself. Perhaps you would look at an inventory of values. Perhaps you would look at your contributions. However you take this question, notice it places you in a context of others and the world, not in a vacuum all alone. There is a natural next step feel to it that will propel you, rather than confine you.
Bringing your awareness to this internal communication that you live with every day is the first step in growing beyond where you’ve been up to now. Following the same patterns and taking the same actions will yield you the same results. Shifting yourself up out of that predetermined narrative is your road to liberation. When you’re conscious that you’re more than the story, the self-definition: “it’s just who I am,” will never lock you in a cage again.