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You Aren't What You Do
(click for podcast) (8:58 min.)

Not to denigrate things like strength-finding processes, but there are inherent flaws in that as a singular focus. Why?

Many times we become good at things as a result of needing to as a matter of survival. We were in positions or situations where we were in stress, and had to figure out how to get out from under. If we make that our future, we're putting ourselves into the same state of stress and survival.

Then we get paid as a reward for being stressed and in survival mode, and the cycle is formed. I've worked with so many folks who worked in jobs that paid well to have them doing what stressed them out. The toll on us can be far higher than the pay justifies.

This comes back to our priorities not being our priorities, but externally driven ones. The first step is recognizing that "you're good at xyz, so you should do that" is not necessarily the best advice.

For example, let’s say you grew up in a chaotic household, striving for some order and predictability. To survive, you got good at dealing with the chaos, although it stressed you out. Now you’re in a job where things are totally chaotic, and because you learned how to deal with it, being in that stressed state seems normal, and they pay you to be that way.



Surviving is not thriving, and that's where it goes wrong. It's entirely possible that you'd be far happier doing something completely different. What if you're truly passionate about health and nutrition? Your work day fighting chaos is doing nothing for you but stressing you out for that paycheck. Only scarcity says that’s the only option. Even if the pay wasn’t as much elsewhere, you'd be so much happier and healthier, that you could enjoy your time on Earth, instead of praying for that temporary escape we call vacation. Imagine working in a field that truly excited and motivated you every day?

That requires putting aside the advice from the outside, and really understanding who you truly are inside. The "why" you do anything comes from who you truly are. So how do we get a bead on that? Values. Your values drive almost everything about you. They drive your motivations, your responses, and your reactions. In other words, they are you – the pebble that makes the ripples in the pond. When we embody and live by our values, we feel powerful, energetic, and unstoppable. When we don't, we feel ashamed, small, and like we're faking things. 

So Step One is identifying our Core Values, and giving them the importance and significance they deserve. During this process, we often uncover a lot of those "doings" masquerading as values. I had an interesting conversation about this recently where someone was answering the "who are you" question with "I overcome challenges."

Now this is a great thing to do, but it's a thing we do. If we look at how and why we overcome challenges, we'll likely see: strength, resilience, and tenacity. THOSE are values. Without those values would we overcome challenges? Values say far more about who we are than the things we do based on "shoulds,” or  someone else's values. Again, you're the pebble that makes the ripples. The ripples are not who you are. 



For some, it's a little tricky for them to identify their values, as they've been thinking of themselves as a Human Doing vs. a Human Being for so long. For this, I have a silly little trick that works really well. Think of something that ticks you off. The exact opposite of that is most likely one of your values. For example, if lying ticks you off, honesty is one of your values. If meanness ticks you off, kindness is one of your values. If incompetence ticks you off, competence is one of your values. This is the easiest way to get a head start on your "list." 

Now when it comes to Identity, we need to remember that we're the physical embodiment of these values. You can pick any, some, or all of them as your adjective, and they speak to who you are. The more values you identify, the more accurate a picture of who you are shows up; just like pixels increasing resolution.

Stating this embodiment is what Affirmations are really supposed to be about. When we look at ourselves as the embodiment of our values, we feel very differently about ourselves. For one thing, we like ourselves a whole lot more. When we look at ourselves as Human Doings, we tend to do a lot of comparing, judging, and criticizing. We’re probably not looking at ourselves in a great light in that context. Everything we haven't done defines us, we compare ourselves to others, and we're often discontented. 

Look at the kinds of Affirmations that come from embodying our values: "I am kind." "I am considerate." "I am honest." "I'm improving my patience." 

Do you see how much better you'll feel about yourself? Now take that person (who you really are) and look at what that person wants their lives to be about. Now we have a vision for our future that a job will be the vehicle to take us to; a life we want where the job fits in to the larger plan. This is a very different experience to working a "soul-sucking" job, hoping someday to have the life we dream of. This is where your life comes first, and the job is there to help, not where the job comes first and you're there to help the job.

We may not find an organization that espouses our values to the letter, but we can certainly see if they show the opposite of them. I guarantee that working for an organization that’s out of sync with your values is going to be a miserable experience, regardless of the pay. It's like swimming against the current every day. 

If we address the aspect of pay being the primary criteria, we're more likely to compromise on our values, which will likely lead to a lot of compensatory activities that aren't necessarily healthy. Easy metric: if you need to have a drink after work to decompress, you're being compressed at work. That's your real job description: "being compressed and stressed out for pay." That's probably not the job description you're looking for. We’re not even adding in how much we’ll spend to feel better, from substances to therapy. Let’s add happy and healthy to the criteria, and that means being who you really are, and doing what feeds and nourishes you.



The only certainty is that the future is uncertain. Being in the best space you can be in, and being as energized and agile as you can be. You don't have to accept being crushed, cornered, and miserable, just to dream of escape. Your Mind (brain, heart, body) has untapped potential, and you can take control of your own steering wheel. That's what Self-Mastery Training is all about. Unlocking your authentic self is a superpower.

Want to learn more about how to become the best you possible? How your communication can hold you back or catapult you forward? Come visit the web site, or better yet, contact me and see how we can design a program to fit your needs and desired outcomes.

     - Ian J. Blei

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Specials -

Of course it wouldn't be February without a Valentine's Special, so come on down and see what's up! Valentine's Special among others.



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Resource Links:

The Integram - the podcast series

Kind Ambition - 3rd Edition
 

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