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Inside Out
(click for podcast) (7:39 min.)

It may seem ridiculously obvious, but the deepest and most important relationship we have is with ourselves. Everything has an origin point. I love the metaphor of the pebble hitting the water, as it so beautifully describes this natural, organic phenomenon. From that point of origin, the ripples flow outward in all directions. They don’t just go in one or two, and this is really important.

Our thoughts, feelings, words, and actions flow outward in all directions too. Whether we’re aware of them or not, they still ripple outward, and there are still consequences.

I wish I could remember the title of this one book my Dad had me read as a kid. In the very beginning, it used a pebble tossed into a lake to illustrate the possible consequences (intended or not) from that action.

The ripples washed out the last bit of soil around the roots of a tree on the bank, and the tree fell into the lake, carrying a nest of baby birds into the water. This was my introduction to systems thinking. My Dad was a biochemist and microbiologist, and wanted me to understand that nothing exists outside of a system. Everything is connected in some way. This “every action has consequences” way of thinking became firmly fixed in my mind, shaping how I perceived the world around me.



What I only realized recently, was that this kind of systems thinking is actually a path out of the childhood developmental stage of narcissism. When we think of ourselves as part of a larger system, we move from the “I, me, mine” stage of perception to the “we, us” stage. We begin to think of ourselves in this bigger picture where we can visualize the consequences of our pebble hitting the water.   

Narcissism has gotten a lot of attention lately, and with that attention, a lot of misinformation as well. It’s actually a very normal childhood stage of development. If you think about the very first years of life, especially if you were in a crib, how would you perceive the world around you?  From that perspective, life literally did revolve around you. In our childhood, we’re seeing everything as it relates to us, as we occupy that centralized location, and everything seems to orbit us.

In most cultures, especially going back a bit in time, there were coming of age rituals that dealt with moving from the child developmental stage to the adult stage. This was where we joined the larger group as a part of the “we.” We hunted and brought back a deer to the tribe, or had some kind of ritual to welcome the teenager to the larger group.

Over the last 60 years or so, commerce marketing figured out that people purchase more when they’re focused on themselves and how others see them. Sharing doesn’t increase profits. The media and the messages began to support and nurture this childhood stage lasting into adulthood. Decade after decade it became more normalized to have this “arrested development,” to where children modeled parents who were stuck in that stage. Eventually we reached a place where it could be called epidemic.

It’s really important to see this phenomenon happening on a spectrum. A person can have narcissistic tendencies, where it doesn’t heavily impact others, or extreme narcissism, where they become psychologically dangerous to others. It’s one thing to process everything from a self-centered perspective, and quite another to manipulate, gaslight, and control.

What’s almost paradoxical about this self-centering, is that it’s usually based on an identity story, rather than our inner values. This results in a fragile, eggshell-like existence, where external events have enormous impact on us, and we’re constantly running around trying to live within this story. Reality keeps happening, and the story gets tossed around like a leaf in the wind. If we’re identifying with that story, we’re the ones getting tossed around.

If, on the other hand, we create our identity from the inside, rather than what we think we’ll look like to others, we can relax quite a bit. It’s far easier to be who we truly are than to constantly be figuring out who to “chameleon” into, thinking it’ll please others or make us look good. This comes back to a familiar theme. Who we truly are is either the embodiment or the disregarding of our values.

This embodiment or lack thereof really is the pebble from which everything flows. Getting away from the false conditional we’re gaslighted with (if I buy your product/service, I’ll be liked, successful, pretty) we can start to see how we don’t need to fulfill that condition. If we see ourselves as the embodiment of our values, we won’t think we have to act a certain way or say certain things to fit in.

The external influences become more like icing on the cake, rather than the meal. Instead of  trying to figure out what might be in other people’s minds, so we can act the way we think they want us to act, we can simply Be. Think about it. Look at how fantastic your values are. Think about being the living, walking, talking embodiment of those values. That’s one heck of a fantastic pebble, and the ripples will be the best they can be.

Want to learn more about how to become the best you possible? How your communication can hold you back or catapult you forward? Come visit the web site, or better yet, contact me and see how we can design a program to fit your needs and desired outcomes.

     - Ian J. Blei

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Resource Links:

The Integram - the podcast series

Kind Ambition - 3rd Edition
 

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