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The Power of
Under-Reacting
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podcast)
(8:55 min.)
When
deciding what to address each month, I look at what I’m hearing from
people, and where there seems to be commonality in conflict or issues.
Then I look at causes and solutions. Lately a lot of problems are
arising from reactivity, and this is both widespread and pretty
straightforward to fix. Under-reacting is one of the most powerful
skillsets for maintaining civility, curtailing conflict, and retaining
our power. So let’s dive in.
Benefits of Under-Reacting
When we
react, we make snap judgments based more on emotions than reason. We
haven’t taken the time to consider all the facts. This leads to poor
decision-making and negative consequences. Under-reacting lets us take a
step back and assess a situation so we can respond in a more mindful
way.
Relationships
When we just react, we often say or do things we regret later. This
damages relationships and creates conflict. When we take that mindful
moment, we can avoid saying or doing something hurtful and respond
instead with empathy and understanding.
Reducing Stress, Promoting Health
Reactions bring on a rush of emotions, anger, and anxiety. These
increase stress levels and all the physical aspects of fight, flight, or
freeze. These states literally obstruct clear, level-headed thinking, as
our brain’s resources are shunted to our arms and legs. By once again
taking that mindful moment, we have time to calm down and approach the
situation with a clear head. This reduces stress and promotes overall
well-being.
Like any skill, the ability to under-react requires practice and
patience. So let’s look at some ways to cultivate it.
1. Recognize Your Triggers
The first step in under-reacting is recognizing what
triggers your reactions. Is it a person, situation, or topic? Once you
identify your triggers, you can prepare yourself to respond thoughtfully
rather than react.
There are times when someone will trigger you with the express purpose
of getting a reaction. This is a power move to put you on the back foot.
By under-reacting, they don’t get the reaction they were after, and you
don’t relinquish your power. You maintain your sense of calm, cool
credibility.
![](NotReacting.png)
2. Pause and Breathe
This is imperative for two reasons: giving you time to think and
physically reducing the fight, flight, or freeze reaction. When you feel
the trigger, take a moment to pause and slow your breath. This can
help you calm down and approach the situation with a clear head. By
exhaling more slowly than inhaling, you tell your brain that you’re in
the opposite state to fight, flight, freeze, and that you’re safe. This
is called Heart-Rate Variability Breathing, if you want to look it up.
3. Don’t Take Things Personally
You’ve likely heard this a million times, but it’s often the first place
to look. When we react, we usually create narratives that are all about
us and how the situation is going to destroy our lives. More often than
not it won’t. Plus, since we created that story, we can just as easily
create a different one that has nothing to do with us. That’s usually
more accurate anyway.
This a kind of reframe. By reframing our thoughts, we can approach the
situation with a more positive and constructive mindset. For example,
instead of thinking "This person is trying to upset me," how about
thinking "This person may be having a bad day, and maybe I can help by
being understanding."
This brings up the empathy mentioned earlier, which is a powerful tool
in our more mindful, less reactive state. Empathy is the ability to
understand and share the feelings of others. By practicing empathy, we
can approach a situation with a more compassionate and understanding
mindset. Put yourself in the other person's position and consider their
perspective before responding.
4. Ask Yourself If Any Action is Needed
We tend to have a lot of “control issues,” and think we need to jump in
and “fix” things. We really need to ask ourselves “does this need or
deserve my time and energy right now, or can I reserve that for
something that really matters?” When we remove ourselves from that struggle
to control or fix something that isn’t really within our priorities,
does the world end? When we can let go of our own importance for a
moment, we can once again think more clearly with less stress.
![](KiddleIntheMiddle.jpg)
Taking a moment, we can re-visit the Serenity Prayer, and see what we
reasonably can and cannot do. Then we can consider the best course of
action, do what we can and then let go. We don’t need to be in control
of every little thing, and in fact we can’t.
5.
Recognize What Else is Going On
Very often, over-reacting is due to something that
has nothing to do with what we’re reacting to. Some of the most common
contributors to over-reacting are being:
-
Hungry
-
Hurt
-
Tired
-
Drunk
-
Overwhelmed
-
Sick
-
Worried
All
these states lower our ability to under-react. We need to take care of
ourselves and be present enough to not get hijacked by them.
6. Separate the outside from the inside.
There
will always be outrageous, unfair, and upsetting things happening around
us. When things are turbulent, we need to remember that what’s outside
of us is outside of our control, and all that is in our control
is us. Just because everything is crazy around us, doesn't mean we need
to be crazy within.
The Science Behind Not Reacting
As you know, I employ a lot of neuroscience and physiology in my
work, and this area of under-reacting is rooted in what’s called
emotional regulation. When triggered, the body responds with a surge of
hormones and neurotransmitters, such as adrenaline, norepinepherine, and
cortisol. These stimulate the fight, flight, freeze reaction, which
pretty much turns off our ability to think. Reactions and bad
decision-making follow.
By practicing the emotional regulation techniques mentioned, such
as pausing, HRV breathing, and reframing our thoughts, we activate our
prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain responsible for
decision-making and impulse control. This helps us respond thoughtfully
rather than react impulsively.
![](body-stress.jpg)
The
power of under-reacting is a valuable skill that benefits us in many
areas of life. We can approach situations with a clear head, make better
decisions, improve our relationships, and reduce stress. So the next
time you find yourself in a challenging situation, remember the power of
under-reacting and take a moment to pause, reflect, and respond
mindfully.
Want to learn more about how to become the best you possible?
How your communication can hold you back or catapult you forward?
Come visit the
web site,
or better yet,
contact me and
see how we can design a program to fit your needs and desired outcomes.
- Ian J. Blei
****************
Special Offer -
Under-Reacting is a tricky skill to master, and to make that,
and other aspects of Self-Mastery easier to get click the pic
to see this month's specials!
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Resource Links:
IanBlei.com
- responsive code site
The Integram
- the podcast series
Kind
Ambition
-
3rd Edition
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