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Why Don't We...?
(click for podcast) (7:25 min.)

“It was character that got us out of bed, commitment that moved us into action, and discipline that enabled us to follow through.”
 – Zig Zigler

We’re all familiar with this dynamic at New Year’s. We make resolutions and promises to ourselves about how we’re going to improve this year. For some it’s about diet, for others it’s getting more exercise, reading more, etc. The overall theme is self improvement. By the time we’re halfway through the year only a fraction of us are following through. Indeed many drop the plan in weeks.

It shows up in many ways; the most common probably being signing up with a gym membership maybe even a personal trainer, and then either not going, or not doing the exercises on our own. Unless we’re seeing our trainer many times a week, the onus is on us to work out the other days to get results. If we don’t, we won’t. It’s the same with any behavioral shift we seek.

Whatever patterns we’ve embedded are deeply fed neural pathways; aka habits. We can’t just stop anymore than we can not think of a pink elephant, merely being told to, or wanting to. We need to replace the existing habit with a new one, but first we’ve got to address our resistance.

Why do we resist engaging in this process, aside from this unconscious habit? One contributor is underestimating the motivation. It’s like putting weights on a scale. If the “pain” isn’t high enough, the comfort of status quo will weigh more. If there’s a “should” involved (“I should eat more healthy”) we have instant resistance built in from childhood; especially  when we “should” on ourselves. (I’ve ranted on this many times.)

Even when we’re initially motivated, we may have underestimated the amount of effort and time we need to invest in the new practices. We’re all busy and yet sometimes that could be alleviated a bit by the new way of doing things.

This is why it’s an investment in time and energy rather than just spending them. Just like developing systems, a little extra effort in the beginning saves more later. I often tell clients that if they have to find the time, they won’t. We have to make the time.

This takes us to what can we do to get past this lack of action? First, let’s look at that original commitment, and as usual ask “why?” Some of us are more motivated by an aspirational goal, and many are motivated by wanting to avoid pain, fear, anxiety, and so on. Knowing which side of that fence you’re on helps a lot, and we can even employ a bit of both for motivation. There’s no evidence that the devil you know is preferable to new possibilities.

I’m personally not crazy about this, but very often the pain level does have to outweigh the comfort level. When we’re accustomed to a certain pain level, it becomes a comfort level, and we’re less likely to make the time to do the necessary work for change. Recognizing this takes a huge amount of self-awareness, and until we do recognize this, we’re far more likely to keep doing what we’ve always done, even while giving lip service to the change work.

Defending and maintaining this position by resisting shifting gears into the new work comes from an extremely unconscious place. It’s actually defending an “Identity Narrative,” so change threatens that very life.

The idea of a new and different way of seeing or doing things being a threat is so deeply unconscious that it just doesn’t register with us. All we feel is the resistance, not the underlying cause. Once we do see that we’re attaching to this narrative of who we are, and in fact it’s not who we are, we can start to disengage from that story.

In fact, there’s no story that actually defines our identity. We’re an organic, evolving embodiment of our relationship to our values. A million stories can be written on a canvas like this. If we genuinely want to grow, we need to let go of the stories we’re holding on to; meaning we have to recognize and admit this to ourselves first.

If we think about it like a hot air balloon, there’s an easy metaphor. Our current way of seeing and doing things can be like sandbags holding us in place and preventing us from taking flight. We know “the way we’ve always done this” has held organizations back from optimizing their systems and processes. It’s the same for us.

It’s never too late to follow through with our promises to ourselves. The benefits are thousand fold. Before we even see change, we start to feel the power and grounding of our integrity and self-esteem sprouting from meeting our commitment to ourselves. Keeping the promises we make to ourselves is incredibly powerful.

So I leave you with this: if you want to get in shape, a gym membership alone won’t do it. Signing up for a food delivery service won’t make us healthier. We need to genuinely make that commitment to do the work. If we need to rearrange our schedules, wake up a little earlier, or seriously examine our priorities to do what we set out to do, that’s what we need to do. Full stop, as they say. Again, the benefits are thousand fold, and we’ll start seeing them pretty quickly.


Want to learn more about how to become the best you possible? How your communication can hold you back or catapult you forward? Come visit the web site, or better yet, contact me and see how we can design a program to fit your needs and desired outcomes.

     - Ian J. Blei

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Summer Sale -

I usually stick to themes around Independence and Freedom in July, as that's when the folks who immigrated to this new country had enough of their mad King George and declared independence in 1776.  Having been a history major, it can be a bit painful to see how few understand what this was about. So we'll talk about independence and freedom from internal demons and narratives instead. Ready to take on the challenge of becoming the best you ever? click on the picture below!



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The Integram - the podcast series

Kind Ambition - 3rd Edition
 

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