Quick Communication Tip

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A Rose is Not Arose
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The Measure is Determined by the Unit
Although this may seem obvious, the ramifications of this simple fact flood far and wide in our use of language to communicate. The measuring unit we choose defines the measurement more than what’s being measured, and those units change. This drives a kind of Law of Relativity when it comes to communication.

We talk about communication in pretty concrete terms most of the time. We construct a sentence or deconstruct a concept. We build arguments, and defend the facades of our beliefs. It’s only natural that we tend to think of our words as the building blocks of our constructions. And standardization of these building blocks into same-sized bricks would be the natural next step. Unfortunately, that natural next step only happens in wishful thinking. The words we use, not to mention the contexts that relate to our own mind-pictures, are not standardized bricks at all.

Words can have many meanings to different people. Actually words can have many meanings, period. The word “set” has 464 definitions (yes, the most of any word in English.) You can set the set of a set of saw blades before you get set to listen to a set from the band, “Game Set Match.” And that’s a simple, three letter word. We just can’t ever assume that the meaning intended is the meaning received. There are variables upon variables to confuse things further. The context that one person understands a word within can be quite different from another person’s context, since each comes from our very different experiences of life. Going back to our standardization concept, if a word is a unit of measurement, and that unit is relative, the measurement is going to be relative as well.



This takes away a lot of that absolutism we try to rely on in conversation and written communication. Regardless of how sure we are that we are saying exactly what we mean, the other person is still likely to do a little interpretive dance, and connect your words to a very different set of meanings in their own mind. Rather than drive us crazy, we can use this difference as a way to help us understand one another better. It just requires a little extra patience and consciousness.


The Ink Blot is a Flying Elephant AND a Pregnant Moth
I’ve often said that our perspectives create the words, imagery, and metaphors we choose. As our perspectives change, so does our language. As our language reflects our perspectives, this becomes a two-way street. If we can recognize parts of ourselves in others, or parts of others in ourselves, we’re much more likely to understand each other.  We don’t assume the other person is crazy or wrong quite so quickly. After all, we can remember seeing things from that perspective, and we weren’t wrong at the time, we were just in a different state of mind.



So along with the words, which are symbols for images and concepts, the underlying perspectives will offer us even more meaning. By being very conscious and listening very closely, we can use language to understand each others’ perspectives, along with the rest of the “data” being transmitted. Cultivating this ability is an achievable skill-set that results in better understanding and connection, paradoxically streamlining and deepening communication at the same time.


Real Word Illuminations
Before this gets entirely too ethereal and theoretical, let’s look at how this plays out with a real word. Take the word “outrageous.”  Depending upon your perspective (which includes your experience and natural outlook) this can be a negative or a positive word. Does something “deserve” outrage, thus making it outrageous?  Does something “create” outrage, making it outrageous? Does outrageous mean a positive, immoderate sense of humor? Does it mean something offensive to you? Is it merely a measure of how far out of bounds something is? Is that measure subjective and relative, therefore meaning completely different things to different people? Can you see how much of who you are came out when you looked at your own understanding of a simple word? Can you see how much of someone else would come out as well?

As “integrity” can mean adherence to a moral code, and moral codes seem to be quite subjective and relative, when you speak of “integrity,” how many meanings or at least shades of meaning do you think others might have?  This is certainly not a standardized brick that we can take for granted. We need to really look at every building block in our communication. We need to establish where the differences in inferences are, and where we can create shared definitions.

This understanding breaks through the log-jams of polarized arguments, which go nowhere, get nothing accomplished, and create great stress. The more we can understand another’s point of view, and to appreciate how they developed that point of view, the more we can actually use communication to work together, rather than as a way to fight and detach from one another. This is where communication can actually be a yoga practice, helping us evolve from a narcissistic I, me, mine worldview to a global we and us worldview. All it takes is consciousness and practice.

Want to learn more about how to become the best you possible?  Come visit the web site, or better yet, contact me and see how we can design a program to fit your needs and desired outcomes.

     - Ian J. Blei

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Quick Communication Tip

A Moment of Pause
Well beyond not interrupting people, a momentary pause gives us the opportunity to do something great. Follow a simple rule: engage brain before opening mouth. Nobody is without experience in the art of putting one’s foot in one’s mouth; and it’s easily solved with that moment of consciousness. Comedian Chris Rock summed it up succinctly when explaining how to not fight with your spouse or get beaten by the police. You just have to know when to “shut the ____ up.”

I'm not advocating censorship around self expression. There's a difference between self expression and communication, or specifically dialogue. Self expression is in the I/Me/Mine tier of consciousness, which doesn’t really need anyone else in that world, except as an audience. Dialogue is in the Us/We tier, and is all about co-creation resulting from multiple people. Different world, different rules for communication.

And just think, when you take that moment to check in with your motivations, perhaps not asserting “I’m right,” the worst case scenario is the other person getting the impression that you're thoughtful and deep.

Want to learn more about how your communication can hold you back or catapult you forward?  Come visit the web site, or better yet, contact me and see how we can design a program to fit your needs and desired outcomes.

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